Hello!

Well, folks, it's been a while.

No, I wasn't wrapped up in some whirlwind romance...I was still cautiously dating and being mildly horrified at the results, but was mostly being bored to tears by the men I've been meeting. I figured I'd spare you the pain.

There were a few moments of hilarious failure, however:

I got yelled at on a date for not knowing the answer to the following question: "So, why can't my camera take pictures in the dark?" (It is important to note that I did, in fact, know the answer and articulated it quite succinctly without calling my date an idiot).

I met a 23 year old guy who walked with a cane. Except only sometimes. It had flames on it. Hey, man, it's okay if you need a cane, I can respect that. But, it appears that you think using one is cool. This is concerning. 

One time, the bill came after a reasonably uncomfortable meal (as much as I enjoy eating sushi while smelling some totally unacceptable B.O....). Dude grabs the check, shoves a few 20s into it, and waves it around to get the waitress' attention. She nicely says she'll be back with change, and he makes a scene about not needing any. Oh baby, am I impressed by your ability to cover a $25 meal with reckless abandon.

I'd like to say that I hope I can provide you with more entertaining posts going forward...but, I haven't reached that level of self-loathing quite yet.

The I Think I'll Just Ignore Her Until She Goes Away Guy

I went out with a cute, nerdy dude for Thai food (nomnomnom). He parked at my place and we walked to the restaurant.


Things went well, nothing spectacular, but decent chemistry and conversation. We had a beer at a nearby bar after dinner before we walked back to my place. 


Cue awkward end of date:
We wandered to my door after a sweet are-we-saying-goodbye-here-or-are-we-still-walking pause on the sidewalk. He stalled. I stalled. I hugged him, and thanked him for dinner. More stalling. So, clearly..I kissed him. No complaints (FINALLY), and he was a bit more handsy than the situation called for. Good signs across the board.


Then comes the part where I, as the woman, wait by the phone for him to call. Ha, that's funny. I texted him that night to tell him I had a good time and enjoyed his arms around me. I got a response to the former, but not the latter. End of communication. Forever.


Dudes: it's cool if you're not interested. I get it. No harm no foul. But seriously? You're just going to ignore me until I go away?


Am I the only girl who resents this nonsense? We're just supposed to accept being ignored and move on...and if we don't, we're the crazy chick who wouldn't take a hint. How about a simple, thanks, but no thanks? 


Or in this case...a, it's cool that you molested me in your parking lot, but I'm not really interested.

The Boring 30-Year Old Virgin Guy

I met a 30-year old dude who was a bit boring, but very endearing. He was sweet and smart, and definitely had potential to surprise me.

He asks me out by offering to "stop by" my neighborhood sometime. We decide on dinner after I had flashbacks to the egocentric jackass when he mentioned wanting to meet for "30 minutes or so to just talk" over coffee. I suggest Thai, and he tells me I'll have to educate him on the menu as he normally orders the same thing. Excellent.

We meet at the restaurant, he shakes my hand (weakest. handshake. ever.) and we get a table. I look at my menu...but he doesn't open his. At all. Ever. (What is going on?) We order..he orders Pad Thai without a thought. So much for expanding horizons.

Then...silence. Forever. So, I start asking questions..and it quickly becomes apparent that he thinks he's on some sort of interview. He tells me he's "kind of a consultant" at a new job, and that he was "sort of in consulting" before his new kind of consultant job. Great. "Ya know...computers and consulting stuff" is not an occupation. Any time there was any lull in conversation at all, the man would just...silently stare out the window like he was bored out of his mind. 

I volunteer some information about me..and my life..and my family...and then I realize that my date has morphed into some sort of motivational speech. He confessed that he's terrible at networking, hates his job, and is essentially trying to figure out what to do with his life. That's cool and all, but...then he called me inspirational and said I was his hero. Twice. Seriously, dude? 

So, he pays and we leave. We get to my car, I turn to say thank you for dinner...and then he kamikaze kisses me. No warning. At all. There was a bizarre and deafening suction cup noise coupled with a totally unacceptable amount of saliva. (YOU'RE 30. WHY CAN'T YOU KISS A GIRL?!) Disgusting. In an explosion of awkwardness, I say "uhhh...I'll talk to you..." and walk away while wiping away the drool that was dripping down my chin. 

No, he never said he was a virgin. But...no one has ever had sex with that, I promise. 

The Excitable Bird Guy

I met a cute, perfect-on-paper 24 year old guy. 


I was intrigued after our first phone conversation. He was sweet, driven, totally charming, and, (most notably), normal.


That night, we spoke again. We had a perfectly acceptable conversation until he let his pet parakeets out of their cage for a little bird-frolic around his room. He interrupted me mid-sentence (while talking about plans for our first date, mind you) with a very excited, "OH MY G-D!! THEY'RE FLYING!! THEY'RE FLYING AROUND!! Oh my G-d...THEY'RE SO PRETTY WHEN THEY FLY!!!!" He was really excited. Really excited. Like...he'd never, ever seen a bird fly before in his life excited. 


I thought that maybe it was endearing? And maybe he was just...charmingly excited about the little things in life? No? OK.


So, a couple nights later we meet for drinks and a bite. The man orders a side salad and a water (because, of course, he never eats after 6pm). He then excitedly ate nearly half of my dinner (it was "SO GOOD!!"). 


He told me that he used to be a cheater, but he thinks that he's learned some self-control. (You think you've learned some self-control??) He also let me know that he's working on breaking a porn habit. 


Now, I do appreciate both excitement and honesty...
...in normal, human moderation.

The Guy Who Moved to New Mexico

I met a 26 year old who had just returned from teaching English in Ukraine (swoon). He was smart, witty, and adorably awkward. We talked several times in the middle of the night during mutual bouts of insomnia before deciding we would meet, despite his plans to move to New Mexico. 

Yes, I know I knew in advance. Yes, I'm going to complain anyway. 

We discussed travel, the criminal justice system, and other things that make me giddy over dinner. We walked to a bar for drinks, where we talked about our future plans, social norms, and other things that make me nervous. He held my hand. I can't remember the last time my heart skipped a beat because a boy held my hand, but I suddenly felt like I was 14 again. We stayed for a while, talking and smiling, while I silently tried to convince myself that he wasn't as charming and sexy as I thought he was. We left, and he walked me to my car. It was really effing cold, but that didn't stop us from making out like children on the sidewalk. We parted ways after becoming aware of the frostbite developing in our shoes, with plans to see each other again the following week. 

I'll spare you the mushy details of our second meeting, mostly because I don't think I have the words to describe it. 

Then came the part where he moved to New Mexico. I was content with the time we spent together, and was grateful for the experience. Of course, I decided that I hadn't had enough, and wanted to see him again.  I assumed that he would have similar feelings... how could he not after the time we had spent together? (You know what they say about assuming things...) I told him that I would really like to see him, despite the logistical hurdles.

He likes me, and he enjoyed the time we spent together. But, he can't do long distance (WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT LONG DISTANCE?!), and it just so happens that he met someone else.

Yes, I should have seen it coming. Yes, I'm still grateful for the experience and no, I don't have any regrets. But...yes, my heart did break just a little.

The Indecisive Guy

I went out with a guy who was completely incapable of ordering something without the approval of our waitress. On our first date, we met for drinks. He asked the waitress to suggest a dark beer, but could not decide even after she was very helpful. She offered to bring him a sample. He didn't like it, but spent a few minutes discussing it's pros and cons. He got a second sample, and again took his time convincing himself that it wasn't good enough. He then ordered something completely different, which he liked...thankfully. 


On our second date, we went to dinner. He picked me up in his brand new car. He spent the entire ride to dinner asking me what I thought of it, saying it was much too big, and that he had bought the wrong car. This conversation continued sporadically throughout the night, despite my insisting that it was a perfectly normal sized car and a very good choice. 


At the restaurant, he asked the waitress her opinion of two dishes, and then ordered one. He asked her, "If I got that without the onions...would I be doing myself a disservice?" She says, "Uh...if you don't like onions...uh..." He responds with, "Well, are they..crispy? Do they do anything for the dish?" The waitress, who was very nice, said, "They're...cooked. They're...onions. If you don't like onions, don't get them." He says, "Ok, well, I didn't know if they like...made something pop. Like, the flavors or something. But, I guess...well, no onions." 


When we got our food...his had onions, much to my amusement.  

The Insecure Guy

I had a very nice first date with an adorable 27 year old musician who made me laugh.The check came, and I offered to split the bill. He told me he'd cover the check, and I could cover the tip. Perfect. 


A few nights later, we were talking, and he tells me that he doesn't have a lot of money and cannot afford to keep going out for dinner if he's going to be expected to pay (I OFFERED TO SPLIT THE BILL!). He said that he's uncomfortable with the thought of a girl that was going to "bleed him dry," among other things (?!). 


He went on to tell me that he is uncomfortable being naked, especially in front of his girlfriends, can't "maintain an erection while nervous", and prefers to date virgins so he doesn't have to think about "where his girlfriend learned things." 


He then spent an absurd amount of time telling me that he knew I was going to end up not wanting to date him, that I'm going to stop talking to him, and that he knew this because it has happened a million times before. ...I wonder why.