He asks me out by offering to "stop by" my neighborhood sometime. We decide on dinner after I had flashbacks to the egocentric jackass when he mentioned wanting to meet for "30 minutes or so to just talk" over coffee. I suggest Thai, and he tells me I'll have to educate him on the menu as he normally orders the same thing. Excellent.
We meet at the restaurant, he shakes my hand (weakest. handshake. ever.) and we get a table. I look at my menu...but he doesn't open his. At all. Ever. (What is going on?) We order..he orders Pad Thai without a thought. So much for expanding horizons.
Then...silence. Forever. So, I start asking questions..and it quickly becomes apparent that he thinks he's on some sort of interview. He tells me he's "kind of a consultant" at a new job, and that he was "sort of in consulting" before his new kind of consultant job. Great. "Ya know...computers and consulting stuff" is not an occupation. Any time there was any lull in conversation at all, the man would just...silently stare out the window like he was bored out of his mind.
I volunteer some information about me..and my life..and my family...and then I realize that my date has morphed into some sort of motivational speech. He confessed that he's terrible at networking, hates his job, and is essentially trying to figure out what to do with his life. That's cool and all, but...then he called me inspirational and said I was his hero. Twice. Seriously, dude?
So, he pays and we leave. We get to my car, I turn to say thank you for dinner...and then he kamikaze kisses me. No warning. At all. There was a bizarre and deafening suction cup noise coupled with a totally unacceptable amount of saliva. (YOU'RE 30. WHY CAN'T YOU KISS A GIRL?!) Disgusting. In an explosion of awkwardness, I say "uhhh...I'll talk to you..." and walk away while wiping away the drool that was dripping down my chin.
No, he never said he was a virgin. But...no one has ever had sex with that, I promise.
