The Indecisive Guy

I went out with a guy who was completely incapable of ordering something without the approval of our waitress. On our first date, we met for drinks. He asked the waitress to suggest a dark beer, but could not decide even after she was very helpful. She offered to bring him a sample. He didn't like it, but spent a few minutes discussing it's pros and cons. He got a second sample, and again took his time convincing himself that it wasn't good enough. He then ordered something completely different, which he liked...thankfully. 


On our second date, we went to dinner. He picked me up in his brand new car. He spent the entire ride to dinner asking me what I thought of it, saying it was much too big, and that he had bought the wrong car. This conversation continued sporadically throughout the night, despite my insisting that it was a perfectly normal sized car and a very good choice. 


At the restaurant, he asked the waitress her opinion of two dishes, and then ordered one. He asked her, "If I got that without the onions...would I be doing myself a disservice?" She says, "Uh...if you don't like onions...uh..." He responds with, "Well, are they..crispy? Do they do anything for the dish?" The waitress, who was very nice, said, "They're...cooked. They're...onions. If you don't like onions, don't get them." He says, "Ok, well, I didn't know if they like...made something pop. Like, the flavors or something. But, I guess...well, no onions." 


When we got our food...his had onions, much to my amusement.  

The Insecure Guy

I had a very nice first date with an adorable 27 year old musician who made me laugh.The check came, and I offered to split the bill. He told me he'd cover the check, and I could cover the tip. Perfect. 


A few nights later, we were talking, and he tells me that he doesn't have a lot of money and cannot afford to keep going out for dinner if he's going to be expected to pay (I OFFERED TO SPLIT THE BILL!). He said that he's uncomfortable with the thought of a girl that was going to "bleed him dry," among other things (?!). 


He went on to tell me that he is uncomfortable being naked, especially in front of his girlfriends, can't "maintain an erection while nervous", and prefers to date virgins so he doesn't have to think about "where his girlfriend learned things." 


He then spent an absurd amount of time telling me that he knew I was going to end up not wanting to date him, that I'm going to stop talking to him, and that he knew this because it has happened a million times before. ...I wonder why.

The So Not 29 Years Old Guy

I met a 29 year old urban planner online, and we went out for brunch. Now, I am not a shallow person, but...DO YOU REALLY THINK PEOPLE WON'T NOTICE THAT YOUR PICTURES ARE FIFTEEN YEARS OLD?! This guy shows up wearing khakis and a tucked in button down shirt, which I can only assume was to accentuate the gut he'd been working on for the past decade, and he had some sort of Something About Mary hair product situation on the side of his head.


During brunch, he excused himself and went to the mens' room. Twice. In like, ten minutes. He returned after the second time with a handful of toilet paper, and proceeded to blow his nose at the table. 


On the bright side, I had some really delicious french toast.

The Egocentric Jackass

I met a dude, and we agreed to go out for coffee. He suggested that we meet at a cafe at 6:30. I was familiar with the place and knew it closed at 7:00. He tells me that he knows, and that it was intentional. He tells me that everything he has read about blind dates suggests a 30 minute meeting, as it provides a "natural assessment point." WHO READS ABOUT THIS STUFF? I ask what happens if one of us is running late, or can't find parking...do we just not meet? Do we conduct our 30 minute interview on the sidewalk? He unhappily offered to meet me at a tavern a few blocks away, that serves nothing but meat on bread and beer (I'm a vegetarian and a non-beer drinker). He tells me that I should not complain, as beer is vegetarian, and tells me that if I am uncomfortable at cafes and bars, we won't hit it off. I tell him I'm perfectly comfortable in either, but not when they're closing or when they don't serve anything I want to eat or drink. Finally, we decide to meet at Starbucks. 

The day before our now dreaded date, I asked him if I should have dinner beforehand, or if he was planning on us eating after coffee. He tells me that dinner dates are a terrible idea for first dates, and that we'd only be meeting for coffee. Dinners are for acquaintances and friends of friends, but not dates (so say his resource materials?). He then says that he sees what is happening, and that I obviously do not want to go on our date. He says that I have too many expectations, and that the whole point of first dates is meeting without expectations. He says, "I do understand that my awesomeness has increased as of late, and that this naturally can be intimidating to some. Personally, though, I would have no problem meeting another awesome person. I would consider it a plus." 
I'm going to repeat that first part. I do understand that my awesomeness has increased as of late. WHO SAYS THINGS LIKE THAT?!


He reprimanded me for changing his plans, rather than "thanking him for providing an exciting venue," and said a date was pointless if I didn't trust his judgment. He called me argumentative and passive aggressive. Apparently, I was the one who was making myself uncomfortable, and he was an innocent bystander to my self-destruction. He called me needy and obnoxious, and said I was "truly crazy." He told me that he understood why I was single, and said that I was going to be alone for a very long time. He said that "dating him was a privilege" and "not one I would ever be offered again."


He ended our conversation with: "The point is, you have wasted my time talking to you. Your time isn't worth anything. Mine is precious." 


The moral of the story, ladies, is that we should not speak our minds, particularly when it means questioning the authority of a man. 
...Either that, or we shouldn't date pretentious assholes.

The I Just Wanna Be Friends (But Not Tonight, If You Want An Omelette) Guy

I went on a couple of dates with a very nice (Really nice. Painfully nice. Never been mad a minute in his life nice.) accountant/musician guy. After a few drinks, a baseball game, and some incredibly premature conclusions on his part, he very matter-of-factly stated that, while we had a lot in common and I was "really awesome," we should just be friends. We kept talking from time to time, since that's what friends do. 

Months later, in the middle of the night, whilst discussing that we were both hungry, my painfully nice accountant offered to make me an omelette. Of course, I would have to go to his place half an hour away for said omelette. At 1am. We're all adults here. And, it'd take much more than an omelette.

He tells me that the offer is only good for that night. If I wanted that "omelette," I had to act fast! We agreed that said offer would be extended to the next night, as I would be at a bar a few blocks from his apartment (how nice of him). So, the next night...he comes up with a million excuses as to why he can't meet me...starting with the fact that he wanted to hang pictures in his apartment that night, and ending with him being tired. He informed me that it was getting "quite late," so I should hurry if I was planning on coming over. Yeah. Right. He accused me of playing games (ME?!), and said he refused to participate. Said he was tired, and was going to sleep.

He said he thought it'd be best to go back to just being friends. 

The Cat Guy

I got attacked by cats on a date.

I met a 30 year old recent law school graduate. On our second date, we met for dinner, and then rented a movie to take to his place. The only place to sit was on his bed. I didn't want to lay down (I'm a lady, after all) so I spent two hours propping myself up on my elbows which, incidentally, turned out to be a decent ab workout. Midway through the movie, my date rolls on top of me to kiss me. The man tried to eat my face. I pushed him off of me, insisting that I wanted to watch the movie. After wiping the slobber off my face, I noticed that his two cats were staring at me. Both of them. I mentioned it, but as it turns out, saying that someone's cats are plotting against you makes you sound crazy. The moment the credits began to roll, he was on top of me again. I was pinned down under a frighteningly inexperienced 30 year old, and there was no way out. WHO WANTS TO KISS SOMEONE WHO CAN'T MOVE THEIR HEAD?! I broke free, feigned exhaustion, and tried to make a quick exit.

And then...

One of the cats jumps onto the bed, and nudges my arm...which apparently was cat speak for: I am going to lull you into a false sense of security, so you won't expect the ambush I've been plotting. She swats at me, hisses, and makes some sort of cat battle cry. The second cat responded to the call, and they both attacked me. I was left to fend for myself against multiple cat bites until my date gathered the courage to attempt to save me from his own animals, and he eventually lured them into the bathroom and shut the door. I got no sympathy or comfort (I had to ask for band-aids!), and I went home bleeding with the knowledge that I would no longer be dating cat people.

I was on antibiotics for two weeks, and almost needed a tetanus shot. Worst date ever.

Single and Ready to Mingle

For the first time in my adult life, I'm single. Six months ago, I entered the dating world excited to meet new people, have fun, and perhaps be a bit...irresponsible. It has been much more terrifying than I ever could have imagined. I invite you to share in my disastrous dating life, because it is far too funny to keep to myself...