The Cat Guy

I got attacked by cats on a date.

I met a 30 year old recent law school graduate. On our second date, we met for dinner, and then rented a movie to take to his place. The only place to sit was on his bed. I didn't want to lay down (I'm a lady, after all) so I spent two hours propping myself up on my elbows which, incidentally, turned out to be a decent ab workout. Midway through the movie, my date rolls on top of me to kiss me. The man tried to eat my face. I pushed him off of me, insisting that I wanted to watch the movie. After wiping the slobber off my face, I noticed that his two cats were staring at me. Both of them. I mentioned it, but as it turns out, saying that someone's cats are plotting against you makes you sound crazy. The moment the credits began to roll, he was on top of me again. I was pinned down under a frighteningly inexperienced 30 year old, and there was no way out. WHO WANTS TO KISS SOMEONE WHO CAN'T MOVE THEIR HEAD?! I broke free, feigned exhaustion, and tried to make a quick exit.

And then...

One of the cats jumps onto the bed, and nudges my arm...which apparently was cat speak for: I am going to lull you into a false sense of security, so you won't expect the ambush I've been plotting. She swats at me, hisses, and makes some sort of cat battle cry. The second cat responded to the call, and they both attacked me. I was left to fend for myself against multiple cat bites until my date gathered the courage to attempt to save me from his own animals, and he eventually lured them into the bathroom and shut the door. I got no sympathy or comfort (I had to ask for band-aids!), and I went home bleeding with the knowledge that I would no longer be dating cat people.

I was on antibiotics for two weeks, and almost needed a tetanus shot. Worst date ever.